LANGLEY, Va. – Startled employees of the Central Intelligence Agency
discovered this morning that Lee Harvey Oswald had been quietly added to the
memorial wall at CIA Headquarters. Oswald is widely believed to have
assassinated U.S. President John F. Kennedy, or someone dressed like him, in
Dallas in 1963.
The action does not appear to have been a prank. As of press time the extra
star was still there, along with Oswald’s name listed in the memorial book,
located between entries for fallen agents Felix Leiter and Charles Calthrop.
A spokesman from the CIA refused to comment or elaborate on why the agency
has added Oswald’s name to the memorial, only saying that after 50 years
several documents had been declassified, which have “finally allowed the
Agency to set the record straight.”
The documents will be made available to the general public in another twenty
Without any further information, CIA analysts were confused about what the
“So wait, does that mean that the CIA was involved in the Kennedy
assassination, or that Oswald just happened to be working for them at the
time and got caught up in the dragnet, or what?” complained analyst Dean
Paulino. “You can’t just do something like this and not explain it further!”
Oswald’s alleged CIA connections date back to his time as a junior-enlisted
radar operator in the Marines during the 1950s, when he was identified as an
ideal candidate for covert intelligence work due to his nonjudicial
punishment for assaulting
a staff noncommissioned officer and
his habit of negligent discharges while handling weapons.
Conspiracy theorists are divided about what the CIA’s actions mean; some
have argued that this new revelation changes everything, while others have
argued it doesn’t change a thing.
“I think the CIA’s admission that Oswald was killed on an agency mission
finally proves there was government involvement in the Kennedy
assassination,” explained conspiracy theorist Reuben Harris.
Harris, who has already authored Who
Cares? Why the Kennedy Assassination Only Matters To People Over Sixty, is
writing a new book suggesting that the U.S. government killed Kennedy after
he discovered their future plans to fake the moon landings and attack the
World Trade Center.
Other theorists disagree, suggesting that Oswald was always a red herring.
“We’ve long suspected that Lee Harvey Oswald was actually killed in 1959
while leading an undercover CIA mission in Cuba against the Castro
government,” explained theorist Fred Gordon. “We believe that the individual
arrested on November 22, 1963 was actually a KGB assassin trained to
impersonate Oswald by the Mafia as part of a false flag operation.”
“Still, we’re happy to see that the CIA is finally coming clean, kinda sorta.”
A group of conspiracy theorists, led by Oliver Stone, have already demanded
an internal government investigation, which they peremptorily condemned as a